Say what you need to say

Sometimes you are wrong about what you love. What I once loved is now the thing that holds me back the most. but I can't give it up. After years of reliance and hopeing and excuses I relaized it is time to move away. I am talking about my friends. Since birth two very special girls were brought into my life and we shared countless moments together and I have so many memories. But we grew apart. When the calls and complications, accidents and accusations, messages and misperceptions paralyze my mind...Buses cars and airplanes leaving, burning fuels of gasoline and eveybody is running and I lost it.
Say what you need to say, and feel how you feel without being ashamed. those who mind it dont matter. and those who matter dont mind

No Date Nate

About a month ago a boy who I was quite fond of asked me to the park with him. We had been talking more and more, and things were going well. I was very excited and waited anxiously at my house for him to pick me up. He picked me up and took me to the park where we sat on a blanket by the creek. He brought peach pie and his guitar. I brought fruit for us to enjoy. We sat and laughed and talked for nearly 2 and a half hours when it started raining. In such an adorable way we scooped up our belongings and ran back to his car. We drove around for a pavillion but by the time we found one it had stopped raining. We then found a playground and went over to the swings and swang the rest of the time. Talking, laughing and having a good time together. He told me a good amount of his life crap so I knew he trusted me. Before we knew it 4 hours had gone by, so he drove me home and said goodbye, promising we would do this again soon. As a polite person should, I sent him a text reiderating my pleasure of being with him.
The next week I was giddy to my friends and thrilled to have finally gotten to spend some quality time with him. They were all sure it was a date except one of my friends who said that if his intentions were to be a "date" he would have clarified verbally. This bothered me. An uncomfortable concoction of him not initiating any communication or activity with me made me suspicious. So one night I worked up the courage to ask him what his intentions of that lovely day in the park were.
About an hour later I got a text back saying "Leah I love spending time with you and talking to you. You are an awesome person but I would say it was just friendly time, not a date"
Excersising my greatest maturity, I texted back saying "okay, thank you, I just wanted to be clear"
Inside I was dumfounded! Peach pie!? Guitar!? If that is not a date I dont know what is.
I haven't talked to him since.
Moral of the story: Boys are dumb.

And the fish swim in the lake

Maybe it is not considered "cool" to find a poem that was introduced to me in school so incredibly profound....but I can't deny that this poem is just what I have always wanted to say but couldn't put into words. Enjoy it please than I shall explain thoroughly. I even made a T-shirt that says "abd the fish swim in the lake and don not even own clothing:

Salutation

 

O generation of the thoroughly smug

  and thoroughly uncomfortable,

I have seen fishermen picnicking in the sun,

I have seen them with untidy families,

I have seen their smiles full of teeth

  and heard ungainly laughter.

And I am happier than you are,

And they were happier than I am;

And the fish swim in the lake

  and do not even own clothing.

                                                                                       Ezra Pound

Generation on smug and uncomfortable: that is the rich people. the ones that are never fufilled and want more and more with every material item they recieve. 
Fishermen and their laughs: that is middle class, but the happiness is sooooo temporary. They smile, they laugh, but it leaves. 
He is happier: ezra pound is much happier for he does not have things to make him want more. And the untidy families are happier than he for they have even less to worry about.
and the fish! the FISH! they swim in the lake....without anything. and they do not even own clothiung! and look. just look how happy a darn fish is. much happier than i. much more content than you. this is brilliant

Blurry

Today I am blurry. My mind is not sharp. Time is a haze. Symbols and numbers make no sense. I am not creative. I am frustrated.

I come home from school and my mother is telling me all about her day, her experiences, etc. She talks a million miles a minute. I had a fine day but I zone out in another world where I am not as happy as she. Her giddiness bothers me. Why should I be any less happy than she is? Why can't I find any joy within myself today? Am I too tired? Too lazy? Is it the heat? PMS? This frustrates me.

I sit down at my piano and began to play, for this generally makes me happy. However today, the notes are just notes. They mean nothing. They go nowhere. They please nobody. "Whats a matter with me!?" I think. But my mind gives me no answers. I am empty today.

One day I can feel wonderful. Magical. Bursting with creativity. The next I am empty.
We have all been there. We are irritated. We have unanswered questions. Our minds are blurry.

Don't these blurry days make the clear ones that much better?

Soup. Or Bowl?

Today is the day when the male species are in an earthly heaven. Today there is nothing to do but eat cheese steak, garlic dip, and drink beer, while sitting on comfy cushioned couches, watching other men in tight pants and shoulder pads run up and down a field tossing around what seems to be a large cow feces. There eyes glaze over glued on the television set, they burp, fart, and occasionally yell some sort of profanity at the T.V. (as if they ref. can hear them on the field) As for females, we are to prepare the feast for the males, wait on them hand and foot, and of course, clean up the after-mess. For females. Super. Bowls. Suck. Today I plan on going about this in a better fashion. Sure, ill watch the super bowl, maybe even indulge in garlic dip, but I want to do more than just that. I shall participate in Soup, or Bowling Sunday. A day when one must choose either to eat soup, or go bowling. I like soup, Italian Wedding, Tomato bisque, Chicken Corn, Cauliflour, ect. I find it delicious, especially on chilly days like today. However, bowling is also a wonderful activity. Who wouldn't want to chuck large holy balls down a pathway to knock down some...(what are they callled? pins?) It's going to be a tough decision, but I have confidance that Soup, or Bowling sunday, will not let me down.

Wanting what we can't have

When we are young, why is it that we want the toy that our friend has. When we have our own lovely toys. Why is it in our adolescence, we strive to outdo each other. In school, in sports, in family. When we really have all we need. Why is it when our hearts mature, the thing we want most, is that person another has for themselves. We grow jealous. Bitter. Cold. We have all felt these emotions before. We have all dealt with this deep longing for the things we just can't get in our reach. Why is it that the human race is so caught up in trying to get what we cant have. What is it about these things? That toy, that goal, that deeply desired love...our lives in general. We become jealous. Bitter. Cold, wanting things we can't have.

a deep conversation about the weather

I spent the weekend at the cottage by the river with the family. Dan and 3 of his buds from college came up too. It was nice to see him again, but I will sure miss him this next month. Autumn is my most favorite month in the whole wide world. It was a bit nippy outside this weekend, but I like that kind of Fall weather. You can wear sweatpants and roll around in the dirt and shnudle under fuzzy blankets and watch the sunset. Just next fall evening dusk, look outside and consider the wonderful array of colors God uses to paint the sky. Tis a glorious scene. Honestly I love it more than any other type of weather.
 I just got news that Luke broke his arm. Dang. Hes gonna have a rough time with that for he is very active.
Ill write more about my weather opinions most likely very soon, for I love talking about things such as weather. Especially autumn at dusk with colorful leaves and crunchy grass and wide arrays of God's paint palette. Yeeh-haw.
later gator.


p.s. i love fall